Apologies Woman, You, Glorious Woman

It would be to myself.

I cheated myself, out of a brilliant life.

A life where things made sense, whatever was going on- it was not for my family.

Or-my little girl

I wanted to have my ducks in a row, and when I realized…

I could no longer find any of the ducks?

I began to worry and one day…I eventually went MAD.

Started to do stage 4 cancer as a living, no=yes, I made my living expenses off it too.

Letting my addiction become very sick, and/or -make me very sick, it never mattered,

All that mattered was the next thing, and shooting a needle in my veins, meth?

What would I say to that woman all those months ago?

I know one thing, I’d say to her-

“I’m sorry I did not realize the clock on the walls everywhere we went.”

And before that first shot to the heart? I messed it all up, “and for you girl?” I’d ask quietly.

“The only way you were to have gotten that family life you always wanted? Was to go through me-

And you were a weak wasted out woman, and I kept you jailed that way exactly,

-Too fucked up to speak up and that’s how i liked you, and most others we intertwined with also.

The Past kept re-appearing in my rearview (which was brutally dead and gone, and for the present?

“well, it was something i should have used or our advantage, but instead, i used it all for our selfish gain, no pain all gain, something i bought on the blvd thrifting through Hollywood wannabe’s.

I should have beeen taking care of us, but I promise you now…

I will ask for help, do everygthing i could, can and will do to make us unstoppable

treatment seems lame, but it’s the bravest thing we’ve ever done, oh, and you?

I do not want around her. Sorry, and No thanks, bye dovie.”