A life…unsettled

 

 

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Its now 3:23am in the morning and I am still awake….the night time just suits me. I spent many an early morning in the dark crouching like a ghost waiting for a wild turkey to respond to my call. And to kill a wild turkey, you do have to become a ghost. My father taught me how to track and stay hidden so well I am and can say this with no hesitation, a predator. Hunting deer is much easier as they tend to come out in the open in fields. It’s funny when they are in the woods though and you catch that glimpse of them and of course hear them loud and clear. If  you have ever seen the movie “Hunger Games” she shoots a rock with her bow in the opposite direction  to  make the deer run out of hiding. I don’t use a bow, but throwing a stone works just as well. They are very keen on scent so literally you not only camo your clothes but your scent. You pick a good spot that makes sure the wind blow a certain way because when the wind blows it carries so many details. I also have spent many nights on the preserve camping and fishing. best time to hunt is near dark and fish too! The dark doesn’t scare me, it excites me. I have trouble sleeping every now and then and I find myself always going outside with my german shepard on a walk outside of the neighborhood towards the woods. My dog is a hunter herself, protective, and never leaves my side. (although I do not take her on hunts when home) she resides with me in charleston. She doesn’t need a leash and at night I can get away with it….people complain because she is very friendly unless you have another dog, then she is a nuisance. Now, if you are a man who is approaching at a  steady fast paced walk (not runners) she will turn into more like a wild bear. She is a white german shepard and has that 6th sense about people….some people she loves, tail wagging and all, but others….well she won’t bite but she will make you back the fuck up and fast. Anyhow on out night walks we stalk out this seemingly new land. The city of charleston is in the same state that I was born in but seeing as though I was born on the border of N. and S. carolina, the climate, landscape, plantlife, and insects are totally different. I’ve discovered there is quicksand here in the low country and the forest resembles exactly what the pictures of Vietnam look like. I have been to Indonesia with my parents (whole other story) and stayed for 3 years and the humidity and plant life here in charleston is JUST like it was over there. Humid, dry, and hot! But at night time when everyone is asleep, I slip on my womens camo I brought from home and explore with my companion, Lucky. We have found many weird and interesting things….I tend to stay away from any trails as they are there for a reason, and don’t want to leave signs we were there. I have found so many awesome hunting spots (too bad I can’t hunt) and some of the most interesting creatures of insects and spiders I have ever seen. In the night I am content. The air is cooler and I feel at one with the cover of darkness, with only the moon for light, which is plenty by the way! I sneak through the vines and wild palms with poison oak, ivy, and sumac literally everywhere!!! Luckily I know the d the difference and what plant to stay away from….and learning that lesson came with a price many times when i was young. If ever I lose my way, I can look up at the sky and my father taught me how to use the north star,big  and little dippers to track my way back. I do always carry a compass that my grandfather gave me also 🙂 It’s very rare I get lost especially with my trackingld skills and my dog sniffing out the trail home. During the daytime, I am a receptionist manager for a sales company, and starting this fall I will start teaching highschool world geography. Life gets really dull….there is no hunt here, and i miss it. Only traffic that makes me want to scream, and the monotony of …. t.welll……adult life. I am very extroverted but not a lot of ppl know what to exactly think of me. I’m different. I know that. I’m abrasive and almost intrusive.. .but don’t mean to be….its just society. I could sing or speak in front of thousands of people without even raising a heart beat or second thought. But when itaded comes to just the everyday average joes ….my forwardness seems to startle them. I know that God gave me a huge heart full of compassion for people and one day He will call me to use it….in fact I prob already have. I have a big heart and honestly in todays world thats a dangerous thing to have. Ppl will ktthnock you down, be cruel and rude for the slightest reason and so I don’t  have many friends….the ones I do have are more precious and rare than diamonds. The others….the rest….the society, the hustle and bustle people, the “i just want to climb to the to the top no matter who i hurt” just don’t go et it. I was raised with manners and to be nice to all people but my feelings can get hurt by the wickedness of city folks. I have had a really bad week and I have a habit of withdrawing deep deep within myself. I don’t speak, eat, or take interest in anything other than getting back to those hills, the roaring blue  in and the sacred safety they hold. My daddy told me he never met anyone more stubborn in his life except for maybe his mother who was a tough, hard woman raised high in the mountains near Devils Chair. She was 2nd generation Irish and I apparently inherited her most interesting and gossip worthy traits. when she died, I found her diary hidden when we were cleaning out the house and ran to the bathroom and read the whole thing before turning it over to my dad. She also longed for her home in the mountains and didn’t even know that there was a depression because they grew all their food on their farm and hunted for meat. I also found out that she too suffered with depression and had some dark entries about herself and how she thought about people. The most interesting thing was that her mother and father sat her down and told her a magical trait that transferred only to the women of the family. It was described as “the healing touch” …..apparently according to my family lore she had the ability to lay her hands on people and influence them to feel relaxed, happy. Not only that but if someone was in great pain she and her mother had the ability to lay their hands on a wound and it would heal 10x faster and even some wounds could go completely untreated and heal within a few days after being held and massaged by my great grandmother and grandmother’s hands. this is going to sound crazy but when I was very young I had a wart on my right index finger for almost a year. She saw it and asked about it and took me in her bedroom and we sat down on her bed and she took my right hand in both of her hands and  rubbed them for a few minutes….after she was done rubbing them she said, “now thats that. and don’t you think about it anymore because it will be gone and no need to worry for its appearance any longer.” I don’t care if you don’t believe me, but the next week at school on a wednesday, I looked down and it had started to turn into scar tissue, the wart was gone! there was a scar for a couple of months and then poof! gone! I swear it, and i’ll swear it to my grave. Now you wonder….do I have this magic? the answer is yes, but you would have to see it for yourself, and ….of course if you don’t believe in something, its possibility of it being true diminishes and no longer holds power. 🙂 I think this goose is cooked and I’m going to take a quick walk….almanac says sunrise is at 6:34am ….thats 2 hours to become a ghost and fade away into the jungle of ccharleston.

 

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Vacation Days

 

Gatlinburg, Tennessee, USA

 

 

I’m writing because I feel good enough to do so….my husband and I finally opened up to each other and had that long awaited talk. Oh ya know about sex, compliments, being together, talking together, hanging out together…..what marriage is supposed to be like. I cried but let him talk as much as the boy needed to. He told me he was sorry about all of it and he sees now what I could feel like if I never looked his way from my spot on the couch or gave him compliments because I always do! Sorry that explanation mark is there because I got a little mad but now I’m back to happy haha. Well this week we are going on vacation together with HIS family, my family doesn’t really take them because of mom and dad always taking them together due to not wanting to spend any more money on us as humanly possible. (They’ve almost spent everything they humanly could when we were kids) But anyhow, we are going to Gatlinburg, TN for four days and I have to admit I’m excited because Gatlinburg holds a dear dear place in my life and heart. The Great Smoky Mountains is definitely a place to get your thoughts together and relax. Although, due to the fact that we will be going with his family and two spoiled spoiled rotten twins we won’t be doing any relaxing. What is that saying? That you won’t love kids until you actually have your own? Or the only kids to love are your own, and everyone else needs to just stop buying them anything they want? No, seriously the girl (they are boy and girl twins) she went to the dentist because she was hurting, (shes 5) and they eventually found 6 cavities and she had to have two root canals. Think about it. Anywhoooo, we will be tired as fuck when the day is done. Gatlinburg is considered the Myrtle Beach of the mountains, meaning its fulll of wonderful wonderful activities. Dollywood is there (which I plan on riding the TN tornado until I can’t stand it and puke) so we are definitely going there. But what I am trying to say is….the day is starting around 8 in the morning (because you have to set an alarm to vacation with these people) and won’t end until 11 pm. Only to get breaks at lunch and dinner and listening to the parents letting them order whatever they want off the menu or wanting a hot dog at the steak house! Then of course when the food arrives they don’t want it anymore. And you may think I am just talking……but I’M ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS they never want their food and end up crying because they don’t like this cheeseburger or they want what each other has. Anyway…..(sigh) there’s more to do then you actually can in Gatlinburg….with all kinds of neat places you’ve only dreamed about due to the exclusivity of the mountain shops. Also theres a ton of rides and places to take kids like Wonderworks and they have built a to-scale model of the Titanic. Thats just a couple I can name….there are tons more. This family, well my family now as well, has a saying, “go, see, do” and thats what we plan on. To never stop, to never quite moving, oh and if you want to sit down and relax they’ll talk about you saying….ugh miriam doesn’t want to do anything ever. Ya know, something along those lines. How fun! Right? ughhhhhh…..but needless to say I have already packed and am very much looking forward to the trip….despite all of this. Because A) I do love them and I am the only one to be able to say anything about them, B) its the mountains, C) not only the mountains but Gatlinburg, TN……and when you were born in the Blue Ridge Mountains and you move to the beaches of Charleston, you miss them. You miss them greatly. Esp in the summer when its 104 degrees here and there it will be more like 73. Anyway I’m glad I have wordpress on my phone so I can talk about how great it will be, what I experience there (because i know I’ll get more then just my cozy mtn cabin) will be a lot because of his family, and the pictures of the mountains I can post. It will be beautiful….you should just see those leaves! The color will knock you on your ass. Good times….:)

Encouragement…A Letter From My Father

This will be a short letter so I will write two….but keep in mind that the first letter was in March because in February I had the worst case pancreatic problems….from drinking, no gall stones. I was in the infirmary ward for a week, and then in the, I suppose, the regular rooms for another week and half. It was mandatory to starve me other than  this yellow weird bag going into all the other IV’s I was on. I didn’t eat for one week and 3 days. They had to train my digestive system to eat again…..I lost February.   Mimi, You are my favorite daughter! (im his only daughter 🙂 I just wanted to send you a little encouragement . Here’s  an on spot to help with a few things that you may need. ($20 bucks!)  Don’t be discouraged, look to the future and pick yourself up and go girl….as soon as you feel like it! You’ve got talent, ability, and charisma. (The he drew a little image, if was two lines at a point reaching out like how you draw a road, but sideways. It said “past” at the point and the word “future” at the other side, the bigger……It’s like a flashlight!) God is still waiting on you- He never moved! I love you as always, Pop (Next letter from Father) August 16, 2012

Hello Daughter! Surprised to get a hand written note from your dad? It’s a lost art eh? Just thinking of you this evening and decided to pen youa letter. My hands don’t work as well as they used to, but age and time catches us all. Wish we could talk more and see you more often. I do miss you frequently wonder what you might be doing at any given moment. I spend lots of time in the fields and woods on the tractor and in my minds eyeI can see you it warms me in my heart. Time is becoming our enemy in many a way, as it robs us of events of being family. We have to do better at that!I don’t mean to make you sad, I really just wanted to tell you I love you and that I’m proud of you. I hope you are happy often and laugh some. Life can be so crazy and I’ve learned that most negative things are more negotiable when I realize that 99% of them are really not as bad as they seem once it arrived. We worry or fret, but when the dreaded thing passes, from the rear view, it looks benign. OH well, I’m being long on philosophy tonight. Just try to be happy MImi. Find peace  in some way  and take time to yourself to be alone and quiet time. to focus in on the “still small voice of God” I recently discovered discovered a bit of paper had written on many years ago. I simply said, “Let peace rule, look for peace in the oneness of God. Our minds fit His mind and we are one in the mind of Christ. His mind and we are one. The mind of Christ! Clean up the past! Thereis no disappointments in Christ!” She had been reading in Colossians 3-5 My past is what it was, oh I mad some doozycal mistakes and I realized Christ forgave me for my foolishness and has used me in spite of it. Yet so often I fear I have failed in manifold ways. As a son, a Christian, a husband, and a father. Shoulda coulda woulda! But its not right now those things matter. What is may attitude towards God now? I want to honor Christ and seek his will for my life even at 63. I may be preaching an revival at 1st Baptist Hemingway. Near Myrtle Beach in October. Been a while…but I want to do it if I can and be led by the spirit. Pray for your old daddy, that I will have strength and health to keep on. I’ve been so worried about Deb (mom) I cried and wallered like a baby when I had to leave her overnight at the hospital.We could have lost her Mimi, for real. Another woman on her hall died that night after having the same procedure. I love her so much it hurts…after 41 years! (now 43yrs:)  Well maybe there will be more letters later. Just know how much I love you too. Bone of my Bone, Flesh of my Flesh. Come walk in the woods!

Popmy husband is closest on the left daddy in the red, my brother and then uncle

 

Delusions of Life

I want to recount the events of yesterday because they left me feeling defeated in some ways and in some I have been shielded by the Lord out of His great mercy and grace. I recounted that my neighbor came to visit me, afterwards I was left alone for a little while. My husband came home after work and not an hour later the same friend that turned against my word called me. I answered. I should not have. I should have strayed from her as planned. I said, hello and she told me she was passing by my neighborhood and wanted to stop by. With much hesitation I said yes because I had planned to take her privately outside to my back porch where I could get some privacy from my husband. I wanted to look her in the eyes and reason with her in seriousness. I suppose I was still fighting for a world where she used to be. Where she used to believe me. Now I’m wondering if she ever did. Of course, this did not happen. She came in and sat down at my dinning room table and I had to force myself to speak, I had not been speaking or smiling or anything human. I had no words. My emotions seared. I pushed and pushed myself to speak with her and part of me was wondering what the hell she was thinking. To have the nerve to come back into my house. She really did not know me…sad. She mentioned researching treatment and finding a inpatient center where they would keep me for 30 days and detox me and place me on all kinds of new medications. Where I would have group therapy and constantly be evaluated by a doctor. The doctor making me dig up horrible painful memories from my past that I have already worked through with a vengeance to remain alive. I had once completely lived in sin and the devils bosom. I gave my heart to God in my kitchen floor with my head pressed down and hands raised I begged for forgiveness. He sweetly has been working in me since then. That was Easter, this year. I have been doing amazing, getting rid of drug friends and working to know God’s will for my life and surrounding myself with good people. Unfortunately, I fell some. Like Paul said, “the things I do, I do not want to do, the things I say, I do not want to say, the things I think I do not want to think. I must take every thought captive and make it obedient to God.” I have had some issues with my husband, his ability to never say he’s sorry, the finalization that he is always right, the talking over me, the yelling, and the hurt. Some days I just broke and in an effort to just make it stop, to relax finally, I would take two of my xnax instead of just the one, or I would go get alcohol and have 4 drinks to alleviate the pain of never being forgiven by someone and living in a home where I was guilty from my mistakes always due to the fact that some of them had costed my husband sums of money to make it right. These costly were a direct effect from living in complete sin and selfishness with no thought of the future or others. I also have a bachelor’s in English which I acquired from a Southern Baptist university that was very strict and it really messed me up. I did not have the college experience that so many get to have. I lived in fear, stress, and secrets for almost five years. I was never allowed to experience the growing up and independence that college life teaches most. Also, it hurt my view of the Lord because I was treated bad by hypocrites, people who would raise their hand in church and cry, but were actually very very bad people. It was suffocating. The awful thing is that nothing came from actually getting my degree. No one ever gave me the chance to sow seeds at a corporation or have a career. So the most awful years of my life and the tearing apart of my soul and spirit was meaningless. I didn’t even have to go to college. So I have had depression and extreme loneliness in my adult life so sometimes I just wanted it to get off my mind and would be driven to make it stop. These times, of course, always bit me in the ass. Since I was diagnosed with pancreatic problems I have only drank 4 times since this past February. I did get drunk during these times. One in particular I drove to see a friend and when I was about 3 miles from my house I got pulled over. I wasn’t even drunk, just tipsy and I know you should never drink and drive and I was charged with a DUI and spent 48 hours in jail. My husband will not forgive me. I have my license back with help from a lawyer, but my husband takes my keys and locks them up in his work truck. He will not let me drive. I am stuck in my house all day and all night. I have no independent life. How many times can you say you’re sorry and be disillusioned by  false forgiveness. He has to let it go…..but he isn’t. I did not truly know this until yesterday when my friend, that girl, came back to my house. I finally broke down and called my mother who is a preacher’s wife and the real deal. Amazing and beautiful. While my friend was inside, I went out and dialed home. I told her the whole deal about them forcing me to tell my psychiatrist of four years that I’m a drug addict and was seeking a referral to a 30 day inpatient treatment center. My husband is going with me today at 5pm and is sitting in on my session to make sure this happens. My mother started crying and finally, FINALLY, I was told that I was not crazy and I’ve been fine, just stumbled some,but the Lord helped me already worked through all that. I told her the fact that the girl and justin were capitalizing on events that took place a year ago or two years, three years ago. Screaming, my husband told me, “well I’ve thought you were fine before and I’ve thought there is no way she will mess up again, and you did, so Miriam, its really just a matter of time until you fuck up again so we are going to find out what the real problem is.” He made sense but to me, I was screaming on the inside that I was born human, inherently sinful and we all mess up, we all make mistakes and so, what, he doesn’t ever sin and never will again? My mother cried because she told me she knew that I am happy if things are well in life just like everyone but that I had been driven to do what I was accused of.. The girl at my house and my husband both started screaming at me when I came back in from speaking to my mother because I had to say to them that going away for a month for evaluation is a SERIOUS thing and I have already worked through those horrible memories and do everyday and I don’t need to bring it up again with some stranger in a white coat! They both teamed up on me again and bridled my spirit to just stop talking and go into defense mode to save what little strength I had, so I quietly just lied to them and acted like, “well Okay, I’m sorry, you’re right.” I did this so they would stop. Vultures they were not wanting to leave even one piece of meat. I am scared. My appointment is today at 5pm. I am so frightened and I don’t know what I am going to do. My husband wants to commit me! And I can do nothing! I have no voice! My mother told me she was going to tell my father all this and she is coming here depending on how the appointment goes. She will either come tomorrow and stay until friday, or Monday. You see, she had already planned to come because my birthday is Saturday. I will be turning 28. It was going to be a happy time, but now I know it will not. She really and truly wanted to come and get me and take me back home, to just get me out of here. It so awful. I am so scared. I miss home badly, and have for a long time but I have a life here and once was proud of it and wanted my mother to come and see how I’ve been decorating my house and go to the beach with me. It was going to be a vacation and time of rest and happiness for her, but now with realities colliding, it could be the end of me. I miss the woods, I miss the mountains. I miss the forest.