The evening shadows

The evening is beckoning me

The moon wanes 

It makes me crave touch. 

It makes me want you.

Until The End Of The World.

Even though I have others.

Sometimes at night 

When the moon dances 

Around me in shadows

I think of us. 

Of you and me,

Until The End Of The World.

Though separation was best,

The evening shadows dance 

Some nights they dance for you. 

Some nights I don’t remember you at all. 

But every night the moon comes out, 

And I think of you, it’s all shadows. 

It’s all the evening shadows. 

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who am I?

what is there to write about……sigh….so many run through my mind…..I am staying up late. I’m worried about me. this is new. I feel like i’m pushing people away with every moment that we become close as friends. have my fire and telling people what telling the people what they sometimes do no want to hear….or the way i talk, walk, exist. I feel like it is easy to become in love with me and laugh at all my jokes, respect me or even look up to me. But so far i find fewer and fewer people who actuallly stick to this point of view. I don’t think they hate me eventually they see to just forget me all together. I went to a neighbors party right next door this past saturday…..everyone was drunk. I can’t drink. a neighbor who I thought just was the nicest and best. a good person, she liked me and i liked her. well in her courage of the drink she asked me a question, one I dont’ get ever….took me off guard. she asked, “can I be honest with you about something?” I just stared at her for a second registering the question and already imagining a million different circumstances of which the way the night could go after i gave my answer which was, “um, yea….whats up?” well, you see she is a new neighbor, been a house down for about 4 months now. the previous owners were prof. contractors. they gutted the house while they lived there and made it into an amazingly beautiful home. Now, to go back in time for a bit, justin and I were taken into that house 4 years ago when we were looking at buying in that neighborhood. the house was a foreclosure and in the living room by the fireplace there was a large mensized blood stain. honestly, i just thought that the previous owners prob just had a kid who did a kartwheel or some shit in the living room and their had open on the fireplace. anyhow, on the 2nd or third time we were together, (the new neighbors) and her name is kristen. anyhow, we were just talking about how awesome the house was and I told her the story of what it i saw before the contractors moved in….the bloodstain. Now looking back, maybe i should have never brought it up….it prob offended them that I would damper their new home in a way……but I didn’t think about it much…..well back to this pas.t sat night, she thought she wanted to be truthful with me about was about that conversation. i had told her that it was in the room to the right from the front door……so she says to me, “when you said that the fireplace was where the blood stain was ….was in the room on the right. my dining room. and the chimneyecogni is in the lving room so you do realize they would have had to move the entire chimney…..and thats just not possible…and my brother has a problem with drugs, and he sometimes doesn’t remember certain rooms and such and so i thought you were high on drugs and i was wanting to ask if you were a drug addict and that if you ever need any advice or help i can give you some numbers.” ……….PEOPLE….I may have had fun with drugs in the past, but i AM NOT TAKING OR ADDICTED TO DRUGS. so i just said opened mouth, “are you serious? no!!!! like……what? you thought this whole time that i was some druggy? Ive seen you like 8 times since then!!!!!” so what the fuck….because i couldnt remember the layout of her house she just ……jumped to drug addict? people, this is what concerns me……i just wanna be myself and no matter what ….somehow someway…..im being seen differently. my heart aches lately, i ……just don’t know ……having everyone around you think you are crazy can’t be good ….especially for someone like me who has extreme anxiety around people. maybe the persona i use to mask the anxiety just comes out a mis communication. but im a good talker, im educated in almost every subject people bring up….i know how to make people feel better on a bad day…..i try very hard to be myself but also make them realize that I am a good and solid person. im witty, loyal, a good listener, conversationalist, and friend. but somehow i am not who i think i am. and now im stuggling. im very sad, depressed. sad that i can’t ever get attached to anyone knew because if this is  all true….that i am coming off as very strange….then ill just lose them anyway. and the thing is…..ive always been able to manipulate people, smooth talk them, say things that i know they would want to hear to make them think im no different in some things than them. and now…..looking back on lost touches….im sad. i don’t know who i am again. this is not good. i struggle with depression….i had been doing better then one thing after  another and it was all connected. people were thinking things about me that i did not even have the slightest notion i had come off that way…….who am i? what have i become? am i crazy? truly someone to avoid or feel sorry for…….who do i become when im being watched? this greatly concerns me because it must be a personality that i don’t recognize because i never see anything like this coming. not in a million years would i have thought thats what she saw in me…..wow…..later my husbad confirmed that YES that house is the house which was foreclosed on and had the bloodstain, but that i was wrong, it was in the living area and not the dining area……oh for fucks sake! is there a break i can take? well …….no i guess…….its not just her, its a couple other weird things that seem connected. what do i do now?

A life…unsettled

 

 

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Its now 3:23am in the morning and I am still awake….the night time just suits me. I spent many an early morning in the dark crouching like a ghost waiting for a wild turkey to respond to my call. And to kill a wild turkey, you do have to become a ghost. My father taught me how to track and stay hidden so well I am and can say this with no hesitation, a predator. Hunting deer is much easier as they tend to come out in the open in fields. It’s funny when they are in the woods though and you catch that glimpse of them and of course hear them loud and clear. If  you have ever seen the movie “Hunger Games” she shoots a rock with her bow in the opposite direction  to  make the deer run out of hiding. I don’t use a bow, but throwing a stone works just as well. They are very keen on scent so literally you not only camo your clothes but your scent. You pick a good spot that makes sure the wind blow a certain way because when the wind blows it carries so many details. I also have spent many nights on the preserve camping and fishing. best time to hunt is near dark and fish too! The dark doesn’t scare me, it excites me. I have trouble sleeping every now and then and I find myself always going outside with my german shepard on a walk outside of the neighborhood towards the woods. My dog is a hunter herself, protective, and never leaves my side. (although I do not take her on hunts when home) she resides with me in charleston. She doesn’t need a leash and at night I can get away with it….people complain because she is very friendly unless you have another dog, then she is a nuisance. Now, if you are a man who is approaching at a  steady fast paced walk (not runners) she will turn into more like a wild bear. She is a white german shepard and has that 6th sense about people….some people she loves, tail wagging and all, but others….well she won’t bite but she will make you back the fuck up and fast. Anyhow on out night walks we stalk out this seemingly new land. The city of charleston is in the same state that I was born in but seeing as though I was born on the border of N. and S. carolina, the climate, landscape, plantlife, and insects are totally different. I’ve discovered there is quicksand here in the low country and the forest resembles exactly what the pictures of Vietnam look like. I have been to Indonesia with my parents (whole other story) and stayed for 3 years and the humidity and plant life here in charleston is JUST like it was over there. Humid, dry, and hot! But at night time when everyone is asleep, I slip on my womens camo I brought from home and explore with my companion, Lucky. We have found many weird and interesting things….I tend to stay away from any trails as they are there for a reason, and don’t want to leave signs we were there. I have found so many awesome hunting spots (too bad I can’t hunt) and some of the most interesting creatures of insects and spiders I have ever seen. In the night I am content. The air is cooler and I feel at one with the cover of darkness, with only the moon for light, which is plenty by the way! I sneak through the vines and wild palms with poison oak, ivy, and sumac literally everywhere!!! Luckily I know the d the difference and what plant to stay away from….and learning that lesson came with a price many times when i was young. If ever I lose my way, I can look up at the sky and my father taught me how to use the north star,big  and little dippers to track my way back. I do always carry a compass that my grandfather gave me also 🙂 It’s very rare I get lost especially with my trackingld skills and my dog sniffing out the trail home. During the daytime, I am a receptionist manager for a sales company, and starting this fall I will start teaching highschool world geography. Life gets really dull….there is no hunt here, and i miss it. Only traffic that makes me want to scream, and the monotony of …. t.welll……adult life. I am very extroverted but not a lot of ppl know what to exactly think of me. I’m different. I know that. I’m abrasive and almost intrusive.. .but don’t mean to be….its just society. I could sing or speak in front of thousands of people without even raising a heart beat or second thought. But when itaded comes to just the everyday average joes ….my forwardness seems to startle them. I know that God gave me a huge heart full of compassion for people and one day He will call me to use it….in fact I prob already have. I have a big heart and honestly in todays world thats a dangerous thing to have. Ppl will ktthnock you down, be cruel and rude for the slightest reason and so I don’t  have many friends….the ones I do have are more precious and rare than diamonds. The others….the rest….the society, the hustle and bustle people, the “i just want to climb to the to the top no matter who i hurt” just don’t go et it. I was raised with manners and to be nice to all people but my feelings can get hurt by the wickedness of city folks. I have had a really bad week and I have a habit of withdrawing deep deep within myself. I don’t speak, eat, or take interest in anything other than getting back to those hills, the roaring blue  in and the sacred safety they hold. My daddy told me he never met anyone more stubborn in his life except for maybe his mother who was a tough, hard woman raised high in the mountains near Devils Chair. She was 2nd generation Irish and I apparently inherited her most interesting and gossip worthy traits. when she died, I found her diary hidden when we were cleaning out the house and ran to the bathroom and read the whole thing before turning it over to my dad. She also longed for her home in the mountains and didn’t even know that there was a depression because they grew all their food on their farm and hunted for meat. I also found out that she too suffered with depression and had some dark entries about herself and how she thought about people. The most interesting thing was that her mother and father sat her down and told her a magical trait that transferred only to the women of the family. It was described as “the healing touch” …..apparently according to my family lore she had the ability to lay her hands on people and influence them to feel relaxed, happy. Not only that but if someone was in great pain she and her mother had the ability to lay their hands on a wound and it would heal 10x faster and even some wounds could go completely untreated and heal within a few days after being held and massaged by my great grandmother and grandmother’s hands. this is going to sound crazy but when I was very young I had a wart on my right index finger for almost a year. She saw it and asked about it and took me in her bedroom and we sat down on her bed and she took my right hand in both of her hands and  rubbed them for a few minutes….after she was done rubbing them she said, “now thats that. and don’t you think about it anymore because it will be gone and no need to worry for its appearance any longer.” I don’t care if you don’t believe me, but the next week at school on a wednesday, I looked down and it had started to turn into scar tissue, the wart was gone! there was a scar for a couple of months and then poof! gone! I swear it, and i’ll swear it to my grave. Now you wonder….do I have this magic? the answer is yes, but you would have to see it for yourself, and ….of course if you don’t believe in something, its possibility of it being true diminishes and no longer holds power. 🙂 I think this goose is cooked and I’m going to take a quick walk….almanac says sunrise is at 6:34am ….thats 2 hours to become a ghost and fade away into the jungle of ccharleston.

 

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here i am

feeling down today
can’t i just feel your arms
around me, around me
the life we’ve led
its haunting
ghosts are everywhere
oh darlin, if i go anywhere
ill probly go too far
living life on the edge
home is a memory
i know we barely make it
its all my fault
can’t i just feel your arms
around me, around me
Lord, i know you’re there
am i ready? ripe?
i’m a cheat, not to be trusted
too competitive for good company
too proud for no particular reason
take these from me, oh Lord
you brought me joy, you brought me pain
just as the sun beats down on the flowers
while they whither and drown in sun
i see me, i see You Lord
sometimes i need the dark, shade
to grow back, to grow up
awake my soul, Lord
I know im yours your child
testing every boundry
the devil seeks me
“like a roaring lion, looking to devour”
take my pride, take my life oh Lord
strengthen it like you do the flower that wilts
ive had a bad couple years, bad decade
but You are always there, I feel you
don’t leave, don’t go
let Your spirit haunt me
can’t i just feel your arms
around me, around me