the person I loved more than any other found something else,
I struggled to understand the absence, when day turned to night for many months
He left, chasing the American dream, it was his only skill set.
He told me once, “I have only two skills, and only one will keep me on your continent.”
And with much love and many castles in the air, I waved goodbye, in love, in confidence.
Many days fell away with little to nothing to show but the normal life problems.
Normal is a setting on the dryer, they say. And so it was with us.
The days, nights became less about us, and more about currency.
It seems I was not his first love, or his last in any way or measure.
His love was money, and as of today, he is still a slave to it.
My love lives a cold life, a lonely one perhaps even, but yet he stays
Way up there on the top shelf, and people like me, looking upward, have no use
We are nothing but the ones who get lost wondering why top shelf costs so much.
He climbed back down to me in the 1st quarter of Winter, held me, made love to me
It seemed so right, so normal, but….as of today, normal is just a setting on a dryer,
As of today, he is up there again on his shelf, slaving away to stay there,
As of today, isolation consumes him but he takes no notice, he’s top shelf after all.
And as of today, I now know, house liquor will get you just as drowned as top shelf liquor
As of today, I tore down my castles of air, and started over without the love I had once
As of today, I hold my head high knowing I will sleep just fine being bottom shelf
As of today, you don’t belong here anymore. You can’t come back down any more.
No longer will you use me as a stop along your way to the top shelf, or any other venture.
As of today, I decided I didn’t need a drink any way and got up to take my leave.
The last few years have been good and bad like most things in life. I live on my own and pay my bills through constant good whit and charisma. I am looking for a job and I know I will find one but I am thankful to have savings and other talents that create money to live on comfortably. Seemingly, as if, someone in the highest forms of government has decided to play a frequency low enough not to hear, but whose chords and pitch actually seem harmful creating all citizens within hearing distance of the origin, will be irritable and quite unruly. That is my guess. Crazy crazy life.
Waiting on a man to come and lie down beside me so I won’t wake up with nightmares again alone. I’m waiting for human connection. Yes, he’s a man but no intimacy. I am just too broken for such a luxury. I’m too vulnerable to give my body to another. I’m waiting on just someone who can make me feel not so alone. If I wake up with a friend I don’t cry first thing. The loss of my baby and the man I thought was someone with a code, lied. I waited on him for 5 months only to leave me. Ever since I just keep waiting for any comfort I can seek. I fear I’ll be waiting forever because the hole he left is so big. I’ll be optimistic at the end of my entry. I’m waiting on the hole he left transform into just him leaving into having more room….for happiness. Perhaps I should be not so fooled by the hole he left. I’ll wait on the happiness like a star in the night sky. The holes in the sky are stars but every night no matter how dark the sky becomes you always see the stars. Burning on and on and on like our hearts waiting to finally burn out and find peace and sink back into the night with a full life lived. Waiting for the holes in my night sky to finally burn out. No one looks at the stars as holes poked in the sky. When your are heart broken waiting on your life to make sense, you would see it too at night when you looked up. The disconnect. They are on fire for a reason. Seemingly to represent my own holes. Burning me alive. I’m waiting on time to take this from me. Where the holes you left in me will finally burn away never to be seen again.
As I sit in the beginning days of the new year, I think back on all the moments I let pass by. I also think about all the moments I did not have the fortune to live through. My father always says, “Time is our enemy mimi, in so many ways.” This meant time has great power- it can take from you- and it can give to you. It gave me a love late in life when I no longer believed in such fantasies. All the moments that we had will still be held so dear in my heart. This past year taught me the same thing I will learn this year, and that is- that people change. Things end like this past year and the hopes and dreams which filled it are also gone. The wisdom you left me with run caverns deep, you will never know the wonderful lessons you taught me. You see- it was you who influenced me the most in 2017. I had no idea. I have been around the world and met all kinds of different people. I just thought I would recognize bull shit a lot easier. Truth? no, love blinded me, into something that I never thought could happen. I was happy. We were going to have a little one by February of this new year, but our baby’s heart stopped beating and along with it mine. Too bad a heart that does not beat any longer for hope and love, it was beat. Beat to pieces….I loved you but I’m sure I’ll find someone who makes me feel special for a time soon enough…but I’m scared because how will they measure up to how you made me feel? How can they take this bitter, scarred, old, fearful soul and turn into something beautiful and make me feel that frequency you put off that I so wildly tuned in to. The program for us has ended I know that, but I also know that you will always love me and I will always love you. And I know you’re thinking of me, as you lay down on your side, I know you’re thinking of me, when you see the stars, or a sunset. I know you love me, but life for us my darling in 2017 was a lot of loss. We gained each other, love, knowing each other intimately and knowing without a doubt for a little while there, that I had found my life mate. I told you when you left me on August 1st at 8:45AM that there was nothing to forgive, I always knew you would be back. I could never have been more sure of anything in my whole life. And I was wrong. You hurt me instead…..you never came back. You didn’t get to hold me after we lost our baby. You never got to look in my eyes while making love again, you never came back….you just left for the oil fields and forgot about us. Life was too big out there, the money too easy. Now you have your own things, an apartment and roommates. I was your roommate…. why did you forget about me? And all our plans for 2018? Sometimes I think it’s because I lost the baby. And I feel so lost without you, I am a broken compass. Starting a new year…..loving the lost.
Since my divorce in the end of 2014- I have found everything I so missed when I was there. All the poems and all the entries I’ve written about wanting something more in my life, by being in a loveless marriage. Well, I have found it– my place in this world. My identity is not found solely in the failing marriage whims of my ex-husband. The need to be his version of “perfect” or his expected version of me has finally lifted like a dense fog. I do as I please, since I found myself. I have amazing friends, I am close to my family again, and have established my own groove, niche. I have my own apartment- and this is a big deal to a 32 year old because my “homes” I’ve always lived in were bought and paid for by either my family or my husband. Now, I can say- this is my house, these are my pieces of furniture I bought- mine. It’s all mine. I pay everything and manage my money quite well. I do better for myself than I ever did when I was married and working. Whether I worked for the ex-husband or I worked at a job, I never was happy, because they were jobs I felt were expected of me, not jobs I loved. I have found myself, grown up finally, have tons more poetry to write, and many more entries about my personal experiences finding myself as a girl left to herself- at last-and so here are my new stories. Welcome to Miriam 2.0 and also- here is to 2018- and stay tuned to hear all about 2016 and 2017 which I have to say was one of my most educationally difficult year of my life. Find out why and how I made it throughout the next chapter of this life. this crazy life. That is all mine.