Apologies Woman, You, Glorious Woman

It would be to myself.

I cheated myself, out of a brilliant life.

A life where things made sense, whatever was going on- it was not for my family.

Or-my little girl

I wanted to have my ducks in a row, and when I realized…

I could no longer find any of the ducks?

I began to worry and one day…I eventually went MAD.

Started to do stage 4 cancer as a living, no=yes, I made my living expenses off it too.

Letting my addiction become very sick, and/or -make me very sick, it never mattered,

All that mattered was the next thing, and shooting a needle in my veins, meth?

What would I say to that woman all those months ago?

I know one thing, I’d say to her-

“I’m sorry I did not realize the clock on the walls everywhere we went.”

And before that first shot to the heart? I messed it all up, “and for you girl?” I’d ask quietly.

“The only way you were to have gotten that family life you always wanted? Was to go through me-

And you were a weak wasted out woman, and I kept you jailed that way exactly,

-Too fucked up to speak up and that’s how i liked you, and most others we intertwined with also.

The Past kept re-appearing in my rearview (which was brutally dead and gone, and for the present?

“well, it was something i should have used or our advantage, but instead, i used it all for our selfish gain, no pain all gain, something i bought on the blvd thrifting through Hollywood wannabe’s.

I should have beeen taking care of us, but I promise you now…

I will ask for help, do everygthing i could, can and will do to make us unstoppable

treatment seems lame, but it’s the bravest thing we’ve ever done, oh, and you?

I do not want around her. Sorry, and No thanks, bye dovie.”

I still cry over this: a poem of loss

 

 

Best friend of mine takes measures

the tape covers my head and mouth

she taped me shut, she pulled me out

her world I don’t belong she says….

I still cry over this, I still cry over this

think of me when you’re out there

ill beg you from my knees

the world we created, we were fools

young and restless, my body could not stop from moving

I still cry over this, I still cry over this

I pace the house over and over

“I do drugs, and you can’t!”

you say to me this abomination

it destroyed us, it destroyed us

come back to me when you are ready

ready to put down the pipe, the bowl, the K

I still cry over this, I still cry of this

I wish i could slow it all down

go back and take the shit away

i want to take it away

and I did, but not what you want

you say you love me

to keep me away from you

you deleted me from your life

you accepted a new life

new friends, new drugs, new late nights

I tried, oh i tried so many tiny times

I still cry over this, I still cry over this

Remember me when you’re out there

I’ll beg you from my knees 

I still cry over this

 

My Glorious Evening

I’m sitting here watching Teen Titans on CN about a girl who ambushes the team trying to find out because she could control Rocks, cement an on…well they immediately called her, if my hearing is right, “rock molester,” but this isn’t it. My husband came in demanding, get this done, or bring me my dinner, and dessert as well. Right, he’s taken my keys so I never leave my house, and I tell him, he’s “jerk!” He responds with a question. “Miriam, what is the thing that you did for me to act this way towards you? (WHICH MIGHT I MIGHT ADD includes no sex for almost two months, not caring about my day, nor excited to see me, asking me now when I’m going to be doing this all night…)?” And I answer, Me, me getting pot …ALRIGHT ALREADY, I KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT IT NOW! RELAX!” He says, yes, good. I might update this post later but this is My Glorious Evening, 

Miriam Elizabeth

 

Numb but Overcome!

I went to bed at 4:30 AM this morning. I know, I know, it’s late…or early. I am naturally a night owl, and my father is to. Combine that with some of the worst two weeks in my life and you get….no rest. Your mind just keeps spinning and spinning. It’s trying to make sense of it all but everything seems like this huge calculus problem with dead ends and eventually you have to just stop configuring. I felt better yesterday slightly…..I suppose I began to balance out a bit, and today it is getting better. I still feel very hurt and still so afraid to be myself because of how people have perceived me, but I am noticing myself getting better and better. It’s little things like I seem to want to keep myself busy…..simple tasks like organizing my makeup basket and skin care. I know it seems silly, but there it is and nothing could be better. I re-connected with another friend I haven’t seen or talked to in a long while. A year and a half ago she got screwed over by a boy who she had an apartment with. He left and she couldn’t afford the rent. She had to leave her apartment eventually and I took her in and gave her the guest room to place all her things. She lived with my husband and me for 3 months. The entire summer that year. We did have a lot of fun and it was nice always having a friend here to just be girls with. My husband worked during the day and she kept me company, and sometimes we would laugh so hard and loud that Justin, poor thing, would have to come out of the bedroom and tell us to calm down and try not to laugh but giggle instead. He always has and still does have to go to bed at 10 PM exactly because he works very hard and has to be up at 5:30 in the morning. Liz worked also as a waitress at a very fancy restaurant on Isle of Palms. So anyhow, we are getting together sometime next week. That lifted my spirits. I had thought I had no friends anymore and even though we don’t see each other regularly, I got sweet confirmation that at least someone loves who I am. BUT I am still hurt, very hurt about Nathania. It hurts down in my gut, deep down there. I think about the three years we were inseparable and all the money we spend on her so she could be with us or go out with us (she was a broke college student for years) and even the 100 dollar Christmas presents and birthday presents, and gifts when she was sad, and all the hundreds of meals I bought for her because she had nothing to eat in her house. I also brought her pounds of deer meat, which she loved because she said, “I can have everyone over and make tacos, everyone can have some!” I never once at her tacos or nachos. Whatever that doesn’t matter. Listen though, I am only human and even though she brought me happiness and good memories, all of my effort towards our friendship was for nothing it seems. It’s just sad. She has a lot of growing up to do though, and is in her college years, has pretty girl syndrome, and it quite selfish. The world revolves around her and her college parties. But I am writing to say I am getting better, it may be that just time heals, but I feel my strength in my growing and I am waiting silently for it to be full bloom. 

While Drowning I learned how to swim.

I have to say that even though earlier today my heart broke and I had to cry so hard, that I do feel much better! I got my medication worked out and I feel…ugh…balanced I guess….whatever, I really hate medication, its dangerous and scary and always has weird side effects. The lesser of two evils I suppose. But I took a shower, I straightened my hair, put on makeup and got in contact with an old friend on the phone. She had me laughing out loud….I have been smiling for the first time, and I tell you the truth, in 4 days. I didn’t lay in bed for hours staring blindly. I received a card in the mail from my beloved aunt and uncle, bless their hearts. It was a birthday card with five dollars in it. Cute. It will get me a pack of cigs even though they would rather it not if they knew. haha. OH life. Going back to my earlier comment, I cried sooo very hard in the floor today over my friend Nathania and the fact that I have reached out and texted her and of course, there was no reply. I reached out to a girl named Nancy who lived with Nathania, and she told me I could send the flowers to her but nathania does not live there anymore…..we had so many great memories in that house. I can’t believe how much has changed in her life, she’s not dating Nolan anymore, she doesn’t live with Nancy anymore, I don’t know who she lives with…..strange, just seems really out of character for her. I fell on my knees and prayed, and told God I loved her and to please please just be with her, to soften her heart, to not let the darkness make her soul black, to not to overdose on drugs! Any of these things could happen. I also prayed that he would fix it like it was, I got on without her, didn’t even think of the hurt and the memories hardly at all. Sometimes I did, and it hurt, but I was moving on, I had moved on. And I will. I’m stronger than anyone realized and this is my defense mechanism, to look weak, and even though for a time I struggle with darkness, it only makes me stronger and stronger. Its a defense mechanism because people won’t see it coming. You see, I have not earned any strength  on my own, God gives me the strength I need. Nancy immediately stopped talking to me after I offered to stop by her house (not nathanias) and hand Nancy the flowers in person because its downtown Charleston and they have a little metal box with a flap for mail. Packages, and flowers….well they sit out on the driveway next to the door. I have no idea how long they may sit there in the hot low country sun of Charleston. Immediately after I sent that text she stopped all communication not answering any more texts I sent, I stopped. I went on facebook and the girl Ashley who was around a lot during the good times, I liked her a lot, other than the fact that she was, at 22, experimenting with dropping acid whenever she could get her hands on it, and just all together giving herself justifications to get fuuuuuuucked up. Well, I thought this was all rather appalling, but she was nice, and all these people around Nathania, I wasn’t there to cozy up with them,  get to know them, I always in a way ignored them and talked to Nathania the whole time. WEll, she lives with nathania now and 3 other boys,that, along with this ashley girl work in an incredible fancy restaurant downtown called Magnolias. 100-180 dollars a plate type place. Anyhow they live downtown they work downtown and they all live on a street called Line St. It’s quite dilapidated and every house on either side of the street has people smoking pot, or acid, or whatever….Ashley and her three co-workers which Nathania now lives with are called City hippies. There are A LOT of bum hippies in downtown charleston. Of course Nathania is here to attend College of Charleston, but falls in with these people, what shall we say… either, they attended the college and were skimming by with a D average, spending all their time partying and passing around a joint, or they were college drop outs due to their failing of classes, but they stayed in charleston, worked at bars, restaurants, what have you. Or they never left after school, or just moved there for the sake of being in a cool place with lots of drugs. Hippies, dreds, posers, and even the boys who look nice and dress nice have their eyes sunken in from the amount of drugs/alcohol they consume. Drinking everyday is the norm ON top of any drug or pill they have in their system. And there are a lot of drugs to choose from, its a smorgasbord of pills, ketamine, opiates, and oh, above all: marijuana and acid. It’s always a gamble, or was always a gamble to meet Nathania, lets say “at friends house”  you never knew if this was the night when things would go nuts, someone would get deathly sick and have to go to the hospital and have their stomach pumped, or the cops may finally friggin smell marijuana from the many blunts we all smoke on the porches. Oh, and every house has a really cool porch looking over the street, so we would all migrate out there because we didn’t want to smoke cigs in the house….hahahahahahaha, just thinkning about that now is funny. “lets not bother if the clean clothes we have on now will smell like cigs because we do smoke them, but, ohhh no, not in the house. WEll acutally these kids and people have really nice places, but not Line St. Well so this ashley girl was my friend on facebook yesterday, and even though she never really made a connection with me, so its not like she ever would look at my page, or I hers, except yesterday and today….well today she deleted me as a friend. So that’s it, it is now over, Nathania told everyone something….she is still done…even after how we were when we saw each other at the doctor, she really is, that same heartbreaking friend she was when she never showed up at the hospital,and cut off communication with me because “Miriam, you can’t be around drugs, its not good for you, AND I DO DRUGS.” I realize she is selfish and couldn’t put down her pipe or drug calendar for just a little while and just do stuff like go shopping or eat out, or go to a movie, or come to my house for even just a couple of hours. How can someone……how can she hate me that much…..its awful, so I will and am done, AGAIN….here is a pic of what Line ST houses look like, and you will be able to see Nathania she is the pretty blond/red girl in the middle.