The Broken Compass

As I sit in the beginning days of the new year, I think back on all the moments I let pass by.  I also think about all the moments I did not have the fortune to live through.  My father always says, “Time is our enemy mimi, in so many ways.” This meant time has great power- it can take from you- and it can give to you. It gave me a love late in life when I no longer believed in such fantasies. All the moments that we had will still be held so dear in my heart.  This past year taught me the same thing I will learn this year, and that is- that people change. Things end like this past year and the hopes and dreams which filled it are also gone.  The wisdom you left me with run caverns deep, you will never know the wonderful lessons you taught me.  You see- it was you who influenced me the most in 2017.   I had no idea.  I have been around the world and met all kinds of different people. I just thought I would recognize bull shit a lot easier. Truth? no, love blinded me, into something that I never thought could happen. I was happy. We were going to have a little one by February of this new year, but our baby’s heart stopped beating and along with it mine. Too bad a heart that does not beat any longer for hope and love, it was beat. Beat to pieces….I loved you but I’m sure I’ll find someone who makes me feel special for a time soon enough…but I’m scared because how will they measure up to how you made me feel? How can they take this bitter, scarred, old, fearful soul and turn into something beautiful and make me feel that frequency you put off that I so wildly tuned in to. The program for us has ended I know that, but I also know that you will always love me and I will always love you. And I know you’re thinking of me, as you lay down on your side, I know you’re thinking of me, when you see the stars, or a sunset. I know you love me, but life for us my darling in 2017 was a lot of loss. We gained each other, love, knowing each other intimately and knowing without a doubt for a little while there, that I had found my life mate.  I told you when you left me on August 1st at 8:45AM that there was nothing to forgive, I always knew you would be back. I could never have been more sure of anything in my whole life. And I was wrong. You hurt me instead…..you never came back. You didn’t get to hold me after we lost our baby. You never got to look in my eyes while making love again, you never came back….you just left for the oil fields and forgot about us. Life was too big out there, the money too easy. Now you have your own things, an apartment and roommates. I was your roommate…. why did you forget about me? And all our plans for 2018? Sometimes I think it’s because I lost the baby. And I feel so lost without you, I am a broken compass. Starting a new year…..loving the lost.

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