who am I?

what is there to write about……sigh….so many run through my mind…..I am staying up late. I’m worried about me. this is new. I feel like i’m pushing people away with every moment that we become close as friends. have my fire and telling people what telling the people what they sometimes do no want to hear….or the way i talk, walk, exist. I feel like it is easy to become in love with me and laugh at all my jokes, respect me or even look up to me. But so far i find fewer and fewer people who actuallly stick to this point of view. I don’t think they hate me eventually they see to just forget me all together. I went to a neighbors party right next door this past saturday…..everyone was drunk. I can’t drink. a neighbor who I thought just was the nicest and best. a good person, she liked me and i liked her. well in her courage of the drink she asked me a question, one I dont’ get ever….took me off guard. she asked, “can I be honest with you about something?” I just stared at her for a second registering the question and already imagining a million different circumstances of which the way the night could go after i gave my answer which was, “um, yea….whats up?” well, you see she is a new neighbor, been a house down for about 4 months now. the previous owners were prof. contractors. they gutted the house while they lived there and made it into an amazingly beautiful home. Now, to go back in time for a bit, justin and I were taken into that house 4 years ago when we were looking at buying in that neighborhood. the house was a foreclosure and in the living room by the fireplace there was a large mensized blood stain. honestly, i just thought that the previous owners prob just had a kid who did a kartwheel or some shit in the living room and their had open on the fireplace. anyhow, on the 2nd or third time we were together, (the new neighbors) and her name is kristen. anyhow, we were just talking about how awesome the house was and I told her the story of what it i saw before the contractors moved in….the bloodstain. Now looking back, maybe i should have never brought it up….it prob offended them that I would damper their new home in a way……but I didn’t think about it much…..well back to this pas.t sat night, she thought she wanted to be truthful with me about was about that conversation. i had told her that it was in the room to the right from the front door……so she says to me, “when you said that the fireplace was where the blood stain was ….was in the room on the right. my dining room. and the chimneyecogni is in the lving room so you do realize they would have had to move the entire chimney…..and thats just not possible…and my brother has a problem with drugs, and he sometimes doesn’t remember certain rooms and such and so i thought you were high on drugs and i was wanting to ask if you were a drug addict and that if you ever need any advice or help i can give you some numbers.” ……….PEOPLE….I may have had fun with drugs in the past, but i AM NOT TAKING OR ADDICTED TO DRUGS. so i just said opened mouth, “are you serious? no!!!! like……what? you thought this whole time that i was some druggy? Ive seen you like 8 times since then!!!!!” so what the fuck….because i couldnt remember the layout of her house she just ……jumped to drug addict? people, this is what concerns me……i just wanna be myself and no matter what ….somehow someway…..im being seen differently. my heart aches lately, i ……just don’t know ……having everyone around you think you are crazy can’t be good ….especially for someone like me who has extreme anxiety around people. maybe the persona i use to mask the anxiety just comes out a mis communication. but im a good talker, im educated in almost every subject people bring up….i know how to make people feel better on a bad day…..i try very hard to be myself but also make them realize that I am a good and solid person. im witty, loyal, a good listener, conversationalist, and friend. but somehow i am not who i think i am. and now im stuggling. im very sad, depressed. sad that i can’t ever get attached to anyone knew because if this is  all true….that i am coming off as very strange….then ill just lose them anyway. and the thing is…..ive always been able to manipulate people, smooth talk them, say things that i know they would want to hear to make them think im no different in some things than them. and now…..looking back on lost touches….im sad. i don’t know who i am again. this is not good. i struggle with depression….i had been doing better then one thing after  another and it was all connected. people were thinking things about me that i did not even have the slightest notion i had come off that way…….who am i? what have i become? am i crazy? truly someone to avoid or feel sorry for…….who do i become when im being watched? this greatly concerns me because it must be a personality that i don’t recognize because i never see anything like this coming. not in a million years would i have thought thats what she saw in me…..wow…..later my husbad confirmed that YES that house is the house which was foreclosed on and had the bloodstain, but that i was wrong, it was in the living area and not the dining area……oh for fucks sake! is there a break i can take? well …….no i guess…….its not just her, its a couple other weird things that seem connected. what do i do now?


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