my life as of now

So I started a job with the same company that I always have worked for during the summers. I’m a boss. haha I say that because it is true. I don’t brag on myself much but I’m the shit at it. Anyway the new district manager is named jake. He is one of those naturally nice people, like he was just born that way….but he has a great sense of humor and thank god, he has his degree in communications and its over the age of 21. The last couple of managers I’ve worked with were too immature to make anything happen past the summer and got canned. So I started adsap yesterday and it was my first experience with group therapy. It was …….amazing. It’s like being the black sheep your whole life  and then fate brings all the black sheep into one pen. I met a heroine addict, a crack addict, an opiate addict and two alcoholics oh and one that was addicted to LSD. I was there because I got a DUAC-driving under unlawful alcohol content. sighhhhh…..stupid. But I shared my story….I shared more in that group  more than Ive ever shared with any psychologist or counselor ive had. I dont know what it was….maybe it was it was the fact that there was no judgement….just people actually admitting weakness all coming together as one. I’m going through a lot of changes right now. Like a whole lot. I’m dealing with chronic pancreatitis and im having surgery this coming tuesday for a removal of endometreosis or however you spell it, and a cyst the size of a golf ball inside my uterus. FUNNNNN…..not. Oh and I took a job as a highschool world geography teacher to homeschoolers that come to this baptist church on tues and thurs for 2 hours of my class. Can you believe it …..i have shit to do! I’m still dealing with heavy depression and with that comes a push…..constantly pushing. Pushing myself to get out of bed, to go to work, to act normal, I just have to know that things will be different….hope is the only thing bigger than fear. And I have to keep believing that. My husband and I are doing better, he is slowly starting to realize that it’s something I just can’t control b. His mottos is f your depressed, then stop it! Or you are just not trying hard enough or you are just too weak and not disciplined enough to man up. But he is starting to un derstand…….slowly, very sowly but its a start. He is out of town for the week on business…..its just little ol’ me and lots of guns. I grew up on a hunting preserve and am very used to shooting dinner. My father made me a tracker, a crack shot annie oakley, and a ghost when needed. Is it bad to say that even though he is not here it just feels normal. He is so quiet and objective, logical that half the time its mostly like he isn’t here at all. But that is kind of i feel around people sometimes anyway. I don’t know…….my journey is getting easier, the road has less briars and poison ivy and more sunshine, more sunsets and sunrises. I just keep waiting for something bad to hold me back……also im still just waiting in general to understand why i’m here. God put me here and im searching desprately  to find my calling. It feels like Im supposed to do something really important, or special. But when you tell people that they just say “oh you’re having illusions of grandeur and thats a sign of being mental” ……but what if im right? wow…..i have a lot more to write but I want to sit on my porch, .45 next to me with my pack of cigarettes and feel the night wind on my face. I will be blogging more or as much as i can… is here and here i go into it, although i fear i have blinders on……


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