what the hell am i doing?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y1yFRttwuo “Chances Are”

so heres the truth….i finally had sex with my husband! it was great and we felt close again…..afterwards while i was still laying in the bed naked, I asked him, “do I look good?” …..now usually when i ask this question I get , “yeah babe you look great.” well not today. with a laugh, he said, “baby, I love you and ldwhatever I   say is just going to hurt your feelings.” UGH OH thats never good, but just last week i gotta “hey! loooking good” compliment thingy. well he got close and touched my arm and said, “you’ve gained a lot of weight lately……like a lot, i’m sorry i feel terrible.” well that explains  why the no sex for oh about 6months i guess, (not the other months though). i know i have gained but I thought I looked good, a nice figure, flat tummy just about the size marrilyn monroe was when she was famous which is about a 12. He left now to go see his friends, he thought I was coming….fat chance ha! but no seriously I just wanted to have some time to myself and cry….crying would prob be good for me. but no such luck it hurts and i feel so hideous…not only is my personal life a fucking mess but now he isn’t attracted to me anymore? not until im a size what? I suppose a nice 6 or skinnier. He wants me to be 120 lbs and i weighed that much in highschool when I wasn’t eating because i was having sex for the first time with a regular partner and became for the first time aware in my self image. guys ill post current pics and im not that bad….i thought. maybe im like that movie shallow hal where i see qwenyth paltrow in the mirror…..i mean we are having work done on our house and this really cute guy has been coming like everyday to work and he seems way way into me….we’ve already smoked 2 blunts on the back porch and played vid games on our new xbox waiting on his team to arrive. we exchanged numbers and he wants to hang out and shoot the shit…..hahahah. I kind of know better than that but ya know, im low on friends and self esteem so shit….its been a serious consideration. sighhhh. I feel so numb. I thought I would immediately burst into tears and my eyes did get a little teary-eyed but i keep waiting on the big cry to come….the “im hopeless” cry. sure im gonna go to the gym (join the gym rather) get fucking sexy as hell but that isn’t this minute, this day ya know? And the timing was terrible! After being physically fucked for the first time in 2 months or so, I get emotionally fucked. pretty rough…..glad i can blog….i can’t hold much more in these days.


1 thought on “what the hell am i doing?

  1. Pingback: what the hell am i doing? | unlikelyawkward1985's Blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s