“What we have here, is failure to communicate……some men you just can’t reach”

The obstacles we face are no different then any married couple out there….right? This question was poured out of my mouth like chewing tobacco last night. He looked at me and said…..”I don’t know baby,” he never knows. Why he is still around I have no idea. He seems quite miserable honestly. I know he has this big test on Friday or tomorrow and I get it….I do, a big test, study study, stress stress then test. I did go to college…..I told him I was going home today and he asked me not to until Saturday, so I agreed. He said the nicest thing:”I don’t want you traveling on thurs or fri because I won’t be able to answer a phone all day friday and if something happened I couldn’t assist you.” That was nice because whenever I have called him in the past couple of weeks at work he has been quite rude, always seemingly to call him at the worst possible moments in the day. Someone said to me, “are you sure he is not seeing anybody?” I laughed and said “no he comes straight home everyday after work” to which this person said, “that don’t mean shit.” Eek. I did take a step back and think silently….what if? I push those thoughts out because jealousy does not look good on me, I mean, really its scary. I turn into a vampire sucking the blood out of every moment with obsession over it, so…..no, no jealousy. I just feel like we have hit a wall. My marriage has hit a wall. In my four years married we have struggled with no sex, drinking, drugs, maturity….but never non-communication. There is no communication, NO communication, none, zilch, nada. This is burdensome….what is he not saying when all we do is watch netflix like its crack as our “spending time together” I suppose is what you could call it. This is my day: wake up, walk him to the door, kiss, love you, bye! Then I watch the news, drink my coffee and piddle around through the day. No matter what I am always home when he gets off work waiting for him. He comes in, goes straight to the computer room, studies or plays a game on his PC for about 2 1/2 hours, dinner, Fringe (on netflix) for 3 or 4 hours then bed promptly at 10 pm. It is this schedule consistently tormenting me….because it is exactly as I wrote it, there’s nothing more to it. We have nothing to say to each other really and so we don’t I guess. This is driving me crazy! I want something back, something that seems like it was misplaced. That excitement, that hunger, the lust…..the idea of knowing we want nothing else but each other. It’s been meddled with and I very well likely think it’s our fault. Its my fault……but everyone tells me that stupid phrase, “it takes two to tango” what does that even mean? I thought it was a purely sexual reference but now it has all these other meanings. Stupid phrase……ugh. God if anyone reads this send me a comment on how to get communication back besides turning off the TV and saying, “lets talk, we never talk” this would be awkward as hell because he doesn’t know how to! Hopefully things will be back to normal one day, and if not….god I hope it will be, I’m bored and sexually frustrated as in what it means on paper annnnddd I’m frustrated with the opposite sex. Maybe I’ll never know if he’s seeing someone else, or what he is thinking, or even what his day was like! Yea, we don’t even get that far…..but I have to hope. Hope is the thing that kills fear, and it is the most powerful emotion we have. Without hope, we are nothing but fear. I think of the beginning of that Guns n’ Roses song called Civil War…..”what we have here is failure to communicate, some men, you just can’t reach.”

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