the best I ever had and the worst

 

 

 

I’m sitting here thinking about how things have stolen my world. I’m sober, but dangerous. I don’t feel like myself without the meds. I can’t go into public without sweating profusely and thinking everyone is looking at me. This is a problem to most, you see it as a problem, like I’m defecting. But you see….you see that when I look up I do see people staring. I feel like some kind of freak. The nightmares are back as well. Apocolyptic…….I sleep a lot, I find no strength on my own. I am taking some medications but they are knew and so my brain is still being the same asshole I tried to cover up. I currently take zoloft 100mg, gabapentin, 2300mgs/day, klonopin.5mg/1 a day. The things is that my pschychiatrist thinks he is doing me a service by making sure I”m on non narcotic medications. And I believe that is the way to be. I try so so hard. He went from keeping me sedated for 4 years to being alert. The memories come flooding back about me. The real me. The one I’m so scared of. This version of me, feels like she is always being watched even when she is alone, and being alone is the scariest of them all. Things prickle my skin, brush past the back of my neck, sometimes even make appliances stop working and random doors closing. I just tell myself this is my gift…..any electronic that turns on or is on, I pick up the frequency in my small ears. I can hear buzzing. I don’t feel I’m going crazy because I”m starting to remember why I was ever put on meds in the first place. I need help, sometimes the nightmares are too much. My muscles will ache when I wake as if I was really there in the dream, fighting, running or screaming. I”m so scared all the time, I can’t believe I was going through this in college without help. But the tragedy is that I don’t have help now, now that I’m awake. What am I going to do? I had trained my brain back then, but it’s grown weak, so weak. The fear is haunting me and reminding me of my curse…….sobriety.

 

 

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