I went to bed at 4:30 AM this morning. I know, I know, it’s late…or early. I am naturally a night owl, and my father is to. Combine that with some of the worst two weeks in my life and you get….no rest. Your mind just keeps spinning and spinning. It’s trying to make sense of it all but everything seems like this huge calculus problem with dead ends and eventually you have to just stop configuring. I felt better yesterday slightly…..I suppose I began to balance out a bit, and today it is getting better. I still feel very hurt and still so afraid to be myself because of how people have perceived me, but I am noticing myself getting better and better. It’s little things like I seem to want to keep myself busy…..simple tasks like organizing my makeup basket and skin care. I know it seems silly, but there it is and nothing could be better. I re-connected with another friend I haven’t seen or talked to in a long while. A year and a half ago she got screwed over by a boy who she had an apartment with. He left and she couldn’t afford the rent. She had to leave her apartment eventually and I took her in and gave her the guest room to place all her things. She lived with my husband and me for 3 months. The entire summer that year. We did have a lot of fun and it was nice always having a friend here to just be girls with. My husband worked during the day and she kept me company, and sometimes we would laugh so hard and loud that Justin, poor thing, would have to come out of the bedroom and tell us to calm down and try not to laugh but giggle instead. He always has and still does have to go to bed at 10 PM exactly because he works very hard and has to be up at 5:30 in the morning. Liz worked also as a waitress at a very fancy restaurant on Isle of Palms. So anyhow, we are getting together sometime next week. That lifted my spirits. I had thought I had no friends anymore and even though we don’t see each other regularly, I got sweet confirmation that at least someone loves who I am. BUT I am still hurt, very hurt about Nathania. It hurts down in my gut, deep down there. I think about the three years we were inseparable and all the money we spend on her so she could be with us or go out with us (she was a broke college student for years) and even the 100 dollar Christmas presents and birthday presents, and gifts when she was sad, and all the hundreds of meals I bought for her because she had nothing to eat in her house. I also brought her pounds of deer meat, which she loved because she said, “I can have everyone over and make tacos, everyone can have some!” I never once at her tacos or nachos. Whatever that doesn’t matter. Listen though, I am only human and even though she brought me happiness and good memories, all of my effort towards our friendship was for nothing it seems. It’s just sad. She has a lot of growing up to do though, and is in her college years, has pretty girl syndrome, and it quite selfish. The world revolves around her and her college parties. But I am writing to say I am getting better, it may be that just time heals, but I feel my strength in my growing and I am waiting silently for it to be full bloom.