While Drowning I learned how to swim.

I have to say that even though earlier today my heart broke and I had to cry so hard, that I do feel much better! I got my medication worked out and I feel…ugh…balanced I guess….whatever, I really hate medication, its dangerous and scary and always has weird side effects. The lesser of two evils I suppose. But I took a shower, I straightened my hair, put on makeup and got in contact with an old friend on the phone. She had me laughing out loud….I have been smiling for the first time, and I tell you the truth, in 4 days. I didn’t lay in bed for hours staring blindly. I received a card in the mail from my beloved aunt and uncle, bless their hearts. It was a birthday card with five dollars in it. Cute. It will get me a pack of cigs even though they would rather it not if they knew. haha. OH life. Going back to my earlier comment, I cried sooo very hard in the floor today over my friend Nathania and the fact that I have reached out and texted her and of course, there was no reply. I reached out to a girl named Nancy who lived with Nathania, and she told me I could send the flowers to her but nathania does not live there anymore…..we had so many great memories in that house. I can’t believe how much has changed in her life, she’s not dating Nolan anymore, she doesn’t live with Nancy anymore, I don’t know who she lives with…..strange, just seems really out of character for her. I fell on my knees and prayed, and told God I loved her and to please please just be with her, to soften her heart, to not let the darkness make her soul black, to not to overdose on drugs! Any of these things could happen. I also prayed that he would fix it like it was, I got on without her, didn’t even think of the hurt and the memories hardly at all. Sometimes I did, and it hurt, but I was moving on, I had moved on. And I will. I’m stronger than anyone realized and this is my defense mechanism, to look weak, and even though for a time I struggle with darkness, it only makes me stronger and stronger. Its a defense mechanism because people won’t see it coming. You see, I have not earned any strength  on my own, God gives me the strength I need. Nancy immediately stopped talking to me after I offered to stop by her house (not nathanias) and hand Nancy the flowers in person because its downtown Charleston and they have a little metal box with a flap for mail. Packages, and flowers….well they sit out on the driveway next to the door. I have no idea how long they may sit there in the hot low country sun of Charleston. Immediately after I sent that text she stopped all communication not answering any more texts I sent, I stopped. I went on facebook and the girl Ashley who was around a lot during the good times, I liked her a lot, other than the fact that she was, at 22, experimenting with dropping acid whenever she could get her hands on it, and just all together giving herself justifications to get fuuuuuuucked up. Well, I thought this was all rather appalling, but she was nice, and all these people around Nathania, I wasn’t there to cozy up with them,  get to know them, I always in a way ignored them and talked to Nathania the whole time. WEll, she lives with nathania now and 3 other boys,that, along with this ashley girl work in an incredible fancy restaurant downtown called Magnolias. 100-180 dollars a plate type place. Anyhow they live downtown they work downtown and they all live on a street called Line St. It’s quite dilapidated and every house on either side of the street has people smoking pot, or acid, or whatever….Ashley and her three co-workers which Nathania now lives with are called City hippies. There are A LOT of bum hippies in downtown charleston. Of course Nathania is here to attend College of Charleston, but falls in with these people, what shall we say… either, they attended the college and were skimming by with a D average, spending all their time partying and passing around a joint, or they were college drop outs due to their failing of classes, but they stayed in charleston, worked at bars, restaurants, what have you. Or they never left after school, or just moved there for the sake of being in a cool place with lots of drugs. Hippies, dreds, posers, and even the boys who look nice and dress nice have their eyes sunken in from the amount of drugs/alcohol they consume. Drinking everyday is the norm ON top of any drug or pill they have in their system. And there are a lot of drugs to choose from, its a smorgasbord of pills, ketamine, opiates, and oh, above all: marijuana and acid. It’s always a gamble, or was always a gamble to meet Nathania, lets say “at friends house”  you never knew if this was the night when things would go nuts, someone would get deathly sick and have to go to the hospital and have their stomach pumped, or the cops may finally friggin smell marijuana from the many blunts we all smoke on the porches. Oh, and every house has a really cool porch looking over the street, so we would all migrate out there because we didn’t want to smoke cigs in the house….hahahahahahaha, just thinkning about that now is funny. “lets not bother if the clean clothes we have on now will smell like cigs because we do smoke them, but, ohhh no, not in the house. WEll acutally these kids and people have really nice places, but not Line St. Well so this ashley girl was my friend on facebook yesterday, and even though she never really made a connection with me, so its not like she ever would look at my page, or I hers, except yesterday and today….well today she deleted me as a friend. So that’s it, it is now over, Nathania told everyone something….she is still done…even after how we were when we saw each other at the doctor, she really is, that same heartbreaking friend she was when she never showed up at the hospital,and cut off communication with me because “Miriam, you can’t be around drugs, its not good for you, AND I DO DRUGS.” I realize she is selfish and couldn’t put down her pipe or drug calendar for just a little while and just do stuff like go shopping or eat out, or go to a movie, or come to my house for even just a couple of hours. How can someone……how can she hate me that much…..its awful, so I will and am done, AGAIN….here is a pic of what Line ST houses look like, and you will be able to see Nathania she is the pretty blond/red girl in the middle.

memorial day 2012 008


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