And on to another…

I went to my doctor today with my husband. Well he is my psychiatrist and I was so nervous dwelling all on me and my problems. I went in and the doctor was with another patient so I sat down slowly. His door opened and who was to step out but Nathania, my best friend that I ever made in Charleston, SC. We ended tragically due to the fact she did not want to influence me or have me around people like her, She did drugs and sold marijuana. I know how it sounds, but I was living in a social order per say and wasn’t thinking about how dangerous it could have been. Now, I want people to keep in mind she was my absolute best friend. We did everything together and spent almost everyday together. We even worked together! She was considered an intimate friend of the family and even spent every new years here and new years day, She would stay for days and we were partying together downtown, She lives downtown so we had too much fun at her house. We ended badly because after one night of drama from drinking and running around downtown, she decided I was too good a person to be evolving my life around that sort of atmosphere. Right she was, but the bad part is that a couple of days after this revelation of hers, I became deathly sick with pancreatitus and had the worst case they had seen ever in their careers and was hospitalized for 2 and 1/2 weeks. I had my in-laws stay and visit, my entire family, even my brother and his wife, and other friends of mine came and brought me flowers. I kept saying that Nathania would be there soon, she was prob just busy with mid-terms, but she never showed. She just completely ripped herself from my life and really and truly believed this is what had to be done. After three years!!!! I have not seen her since this past January until today. She utterly broke my heart. Today, of all days and of all times in my life, she walks out of that doctors office (which I was the one that helped her get an appointment with this therapist) and sees me in the waiting room. No one else is waiting except my husband and me. I just stood there stunned and looked at her with wide eyes. I didn’t even move a muscle in my chair, I was frozen. She was crying horribly bad. She looked so sad, so bad…the air was thick with grief. I could feel it like ….I don’t know the energy just harassed the hairs on my brain. She just stopped at the door and looked at me, and said, “my mom died.” She then opened the door and walked through it. I loved her mom. She was a beautiful and good woman. I quickly just dropped my phone and purse in the floor and ran out the door after her and caught up with her in the hallway at the elevators. I just ran to her and grabbed her and embraced her and let her hold on tight and sob, completely sob into my hair. I was crying too. I was and am hurting very bad for her.  Through tears and sobs I asked…..how? what?….and she immediately said it was a motorcycle accident and she was on the back riding. We sobbed even harder. She pulled away and said, “Miriam, please…..just pray for me.” She doesn’t pray but she knows about me being serious in prayer and of course she knew I was a believer. Then she jerked away and began walking toward the elevator to get in and then she turned and told me she was sorry she didn’t tell me but she has been out of the state with the funeral. I just stood there with nothing but somehow managed to say, it was ok, and that we haven’t really been speaking. And I took a deep breath and looked at her in the eye and told her, “Nathania, if you need anything, anything at all! please! do not hesitate to call me.” I know we shared a fleeting moment and it just felt like, I don’t know, that maybe she knew we had made mistakes and she wanted to be with me. And then she said, “good luck with your appointment” and got on the elevator and she was gone. I then had to go back in to my doctor’s appointment which was going to be absolutely awful and everything I had prepared to speak with him about just melted away and it became a generic visit. I don’t know, I was just…not ok. Things were said, I got taken off my xnax and instead put on klonopin. (I don’t know if thats how its spelled and don’t care right now) One of my other medicines got dosed up…wonderful. Great. Awesome…….whatever. I got home and went outside and just looked at pictures of her mom on facebook and all the condolences people had left. I prayed hard…soooo hard for God to be with Nathania. Well, on the phone with my mom I started crying hard about it. Why did our appointments out of a million other times and days have to be back to back? I was finally getting over her, and now the sting of losing a best friend and the loss of her mother is all I can think about. I tried to send a text to her phone, but I don’t even think its her number anymore, well I just called it and it just rang, so maybe. But my husband and I are going to send her flowers or a gift or something and I don’t know if she moved to another home downtown. I believe she has, so anyway. My mother told me she thought God had allowed that to happen so that we could hug each other and cry hard like that, and also so that I would know to pray for her. My mom just was awe-struck and told me I couldn’t handle one more thing or pain right now. Life is hard and the pain is real and un-relenting. Im dying to hear from her or talk to her again, but I know she will not reach out. Deep down I know she won’t ever. Just….I’m dying here, I drowning. My husband and I don’t know each other anymore, but I told him tonight that we would be getting to know each other again. I also said to him, “Babe? you know I love you right? I’m just hurting right now and I just need some time, but you are my husband and I love you very much.” On the way back from the doctor he did tell me that he went about speaking to me about my depression and recent health scare wrong because he was teaming up with another woman screaming at me, telling me I was to be committed today with the doctor’s referral. He also said, ” I just want what is best and healthy for you, I know you hate me right now, so bad, and your frightened, but I love you. It was his way of apologizing….because he never says he’s sorry. Never has. My father even told him one of the ways to make marriage work is to be able to say you’re sorry so your mate can forgive you and move on. Welllll, he had wax in his ears i guess. Anyway I am going off topic. Now I’m feeling awful about Nathania’s mom and I am hurt she is gone. Nathania is french and you pronounce her name as Natania…in the French language the “th” means “t” or “tuh” something like that. Her mother was french and her parents are both doctors. Her father is a professor currently at Vanderbilt University in TN. They moved here in 95′ and I helped Nathania study for her citizenship test last year and went with her to take it. She passed and we had a party. Good times. WEll when you think you can’t be beat down any further, I just want you to know, that you can. This picture is me on my back porch I believe, It just caught the way I feel. I think I have looked like this for days. And the other is the beautiful soul and mother Kina, who passed away on a nice summer day in July. She will be remembered.

Photo: Any of Kina's friends & family in the UK wanting to make a donation to the Wartrace Arts Community in her memory, please private message me and I can give you bank details.<br /><br />
Thanks</p><br />
<p>(US donations can be made by cheque and sent to: Wartrace Arts Community, 4512 hwy 64 E. Wartrace, TN, 37183</p><br />
<p>------------- About Wartrace Arts Community --------------<br /><br />
Still in its infancy, Wartrace Arts Community [WAC] is dedicated to the development of artistic endeavors in Wartrace and the surrounding area with a goal of revitalizing the town of Wartrace and creating an economic impact in the area that will enrich lives and create beautiful artwork in the process.</p><br />
<p>Our vision is three-fold:</p><br />
<p>INSPIRE – develop a sense of community, sharing, and helpful cooperation among artists<br /><br />
INVITE – create a destination for the arts to be celebrated, drawing people from across the state and country to come and enjoy the arts in Wartrace<br /><br />
EDUCATE – lead educators in promotion a mindset of quality arts appreciation

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2 thoughts on “And on to another…

  1. Pingback: And on to another… | unlikelyawkward1985's Blog

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