Delusions of Life

I want to recount the events of yesterday because they left me feeling defeated in some ways and in some I have been shielded by the Lord out of His great mercy and grace. I recounted that my neighbor came to visit me, afterwards I was left alone for a little while. My husband came home after work and not an hour later the same friend that turned against my word called me. I answered. I should not have. I should have strayed from her as planned. I said, hello and she told me she was passing by my neighborhood and wanted to stop by. With much hesitation I said yes because I had planned to take her privately outside to my back porch where I could get some privacy from my husband. I wanted to look her in the eyes and reason with her in seriousness. I suppose I was still fighting for a world where she used to be. Where she used to believe me. Now I’m wondering if she ever did. Of course, this did not happen. She came in and sat down at my dinning room table and I had to force myself to speak, I had not been speaking or smiling or anything human. I had no words. My emotions seared. I pushed and pushed myself to speak with her and part of me was wondering what the hell she was thinking. To have the nerve to come back into my house. She really did not know me…sad. She mentioned researching treatment and finding a inpatient center where they would keep me for 30 days and detox me and place me on all kinds of new medications. Where I would have group therapy and constantly be evaluated by a doctor. The doctor making me dig up horrible painful memories from my past that I have already worked through with a vengeance to remain alive. I had once completely lived in sin and the devils bosom. I gave my heart to God in my kitchen floor with my head pressed down and hands raised I begged for forgiveness. He sweetly has been working in me since then. That was Easter, this year. I have been doing amazing, getting rid of drug friends and working to know God’s will for my life and surrounding myself with good people. Unfortunately, I fell some. Like Paul said, “the things I do, I do not want to do, the things I say, I do not want to say, the things I think I do not want to think. I must take every thought captive and make it obedient to God.” I have had some issues with my husband, his ability to never say he’s sorry, the finalization that he is always right, the talking over me, the yelling, and the hurt. Some days I just broke and in an effort to just make it stop, to relax finally, I would take two of my xnax instead of just the one, or I would go get alcohol and have 4 drinks to alleviate the pain of never being forgiven by someone and living in a home where I was guilty from my mistakes always due to the fact that some of them had costed my husband sums of money to make it right. These costly were a direct effect from living in complete sin and selfishness with no thought of the future or others. I also have a bachelor’s in English which I acquired from a Southern Baptist university that was very strict and it really messed me up. I did not have the college experience that so many get to have. I lived in fear, stress, and secrets for almost five years. I was never allowed to experience the growing up and independence that college life teaches most. Also, it hurt my view of the Lord because I was treated bad by hypocrites, people who would raise their hand in church and cry, but were actually very very bad people. It was suffocating. The awful thing is that nothing came from actually getting my degree. No one ever gave me the chance to sow seeds at a corporation or have a career. So the most awful years of my life and the tearing apart of my soul and spirit was meaningless. I didn’t even have to go to college. So I have had depression and extreme loneliness in my adult life so sometimes I just wanted it to get off my mind and would be driven to make it stop. These times, of course, always bit me in the ass. Since I was diagnosed with pancreatic problems I have only drank 4 times since this past February. I did get drunk during these times. One in particular I drove to see a friend and when I was about 3 miles from my house I got pulled over. I wasn’t even drunk, just tipsy and I know you should never drink and drive and I was charged with a DUI and spent 48 hours in jail. My husband will not forgive me. I have my license back with help from a lawyer, but my husband takes my keys and locks them up in his work truck. He will not let me drive. I am stuck in my house all day and all night. I have no independent life. How many times can you say you’re sorry and be disillusioned by  false forgiveness. He has to let it go…..but he isn’t. I did not truly know this until yesterday when my friend, that girl, came back to my house. I finally broke down and called my mother who is a preacher’s wife and the real deal. Amazing and beautiful. While my friend was inside, I went out and dialed home. I told her the whole deal about them forcing me to tell my psychiatrist of four years that I’m a drug addict and was seeking a referral to a 30 day inpatient treatment center. My husband is going with me today at 5pm and is sitting in on my session to make sure this happens. My mother started crying and finally, FINALLY, I was told that I was not crazy and I’ve been fine, just stumbled some,but the Lord helped me already worked through all that. I told her the fact that the girl and justin were capitalizing on events that took place a year ago or two years, three years ago. Screaming, my husband told me, “well I’ve thought you were fine before and I’ve thought there is no way she will mess up again, and you did, so Miriam, its really just a matter of time until you fuck up again so we are going to find out what the real problem is.” He made sense but to me, I was screaming on the inside that I was born human, inherently sinful and we all mess up, we all make mistakes and so, what, he doesn’t ever sin and never will again? My mother cried because she told me she knew that I am happy if things are well in life just like everyone but that I had been driven to do what I was accused of.. The girl at my house and my husband both started screaming at me when I came back in from speaking to my mother because I had to say to them that going away for a month for evaluation is a SERIOUS thing and I have already worked through those horrible memories and do everyday and I don’t need to bring it up again with some stranger in a white coat! They both teamed up on me again and bridled my spirit to just stop talking and go into defense mode to save what little strength I had, so I quietly just lied to them and acted like, “well Okay, I’m sorry, you’re right.” I did this so they would stop. Vultures they were not wanting to leave even one piece of meat. I am scared. My appointment is today at 5pm. I am so frightened and I don’t know what I am going to do. My husband wants to commit me! And I can do nothing! I have no voice! My mother told me she was going to tell my father all this and she is coming here depending on how the appointment goes. She will either come tomorrow and stay until friday, or Monday. You see, she had already planned to come because my birthday is Saturday. I will be turning 28. It was going to be a happy time, but now I know it will not. She really and truly wanted to come and get me and take me back home, to just get me out of here. It so awful. I am so scared. I miss home badly, and have for a long time but I have a life here and once was proud of it and wanted my mother to come and see how I’ve been decorating my house and go to the beach with me. It was going to be a vacation and time of rest and happiness for her, but now with realities colliding, it could be the end of me. I miss the woods, I miss the mountains. I miss the forest.

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