The morning after

I slept hard last night. It was the first time in several weeks. My body seemed to shut down and decease itself. I awoke groggy with a drug indused feeling although i was sober. I lay there in the safehouse of pillows and blankets. I was alone. My lover had gone to work so i lay there unbothered by social interactions. I needed that. I fnd it hard to find anything to comment on and wish to be left alone. The people in my life find me odd and my words are heard with skepticism and annoyance. I sit on my back porch under a ceiling fan while the wind of the summer blows around me. I stubbed my cigarette out while hearing then neighborhood and city stir around me. You wouldnt believe it but i have a social call in an hour. A lady from accross the street has found it better of herself to shut down her humanity and come pray with me. I will be honest in my prayer and not hold back. This, i know will disturb her but surely make her feel her time warranted and she played the good samaritan. This is the same woman whom i reached out to like a small child two days ago and was told by her that i had already been given a chance to learn the ways of the Lord with her. She made mention of my differences with emotionality and told me i needed to go to the biblical counseling center and get my life worked ojt before she would help me study Gods word again. I was crushed. She was my spiritual mentor i thought. She had gotten my family back into fellowship and worship with Gods people on sundays. All this happened on a saturday evening and with every intention to attend the church and hear Gods men teach me i stood alone later that night hurt. I did not go to church the next morning. I felt sick. Perhaps she was convicted or maybe she just wants to make herself feel good but she sent word last night that she had found 30 min to spare and wanted to pray with me. She is a house mom whose children are old enough to play on their own….esp when mother is just 20 yards or less away. She lives in the house across the coldosac from me. I could toss a pebble at it and it wiuld strike. I must go shower and invite her in. I desperately wanted to say she just could not come because im sick with sadnesss and the depths in which it reached are new to me. I dont want to be around anyone because of the ugliness i have apparently always brought out in people. Also i am frightened by my weakened state and what may happen next. I wouldnt be strong enough to handle the slap in the face. So, not really, no i do not want to have her come in my house. Such a horrific time. But nonetheless saying no i thought might remind her that her lies abt me were true and i was just too different for her and to keep her children away from me because i apparently have deep emotional problems which have made me more repellant than an ugly bum on the street when in reality i was very happy and felt he world and the people in it were like gifts. I have to go shower now and in 30 min now my guest will come to have prayer with me. LORD be with me and push my bones to react with this lady. I have no strength of my own.

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