Earlier today i blogged abt a situation that occured shamelessly in my own home. A friend apparently was holding on to facade. Poor thing no wonder she waited until after her meal to exacerbate and collaborate with my husband. A friend was lost today in the war of life. Unfortunately she was under the influence of mob mentality so each word she sliced through our friendship with was warranted. The other half of the formentioned ‘mob’ is sitting not two feet from me in the adjoining leather recliner. My lover, my husband is experiencing a moment where he is perhaps re-visiting the events earlier and i imagine understanding that it was bad…and it wasnt right. I cant, of course, know for sure if he is feeling any of this. It seems so but i havent looked at him or spoken to him directly since he left me striped of all pride and any kind of resilience earlier. At least he left the magic by my bed before leaving to meet with his friends. I havent even touched it. It still sits on the side table. After the morning mocked my life and the pressures of false securities in friends slithered away i lay in my bed staring out into nothingness for hours. I was alone then and i still feel alone. The lonliness crept in my lungs like a form of the black plague making me infected with a holllowness that seemingly cant be filled. I know somehow and some way this will pass but this is the worst and the most irrevocably hopeless ive ever experienced. My words were seen as gnats that disturbe a sunday brunch instead of what they were ….which was the truth. I had the truth and no one cared. No one would allow my words to pass. It is like a nightmare. This is why im blogging for the first time ever….i have to get it out so let there be a record of me telling the truth about the events in my life. Just imagine you see a huge beast next to your husband and you yell and scream out to him to run….that the beast is crouching and getting ready to pounce and he hushes you saying nothing is there and to stop screaming at him and go get an eye doctor. You scream and run and….and you absolutely exhaust yourself asking why? Why wont he just believe me? But its too late….the beast pounces him and the night falls. He was and is…supposed to be my one. My one. Skin of my skin….if only he had trusted me he wouldnt feel the unforgiving sting of my apathy and the sting of knowing i was right all along. And finding that out will be much much later after my heart had broken. I live him but know not what to say…my words will fall on deaf ears…ive tried and im just exhausted and just cant deal with looking at him and being reminded of how out of control i am. Ive told him i just cant talk about anything anymore and have said maybe one sentence more to him this night. I fear i shall be this way for sometime. Close the drapes and paint it all black. I lost a friend today along with my pride…what will speaking of it take away next? Lord be with us.