I blogged in The Morning After that i was having a guest coming over on her request for prayer time. She was right on time and i let her inside. She was holding some papers and a small decorative bag. We sat down on the couch and she had brought some material from church. She took the lead which was best bc i know not to speak now. She had brought over some scriptures. The Lord was working. The scriptures were on Hope. I have been bleading out all my hope since the hospital. But the Lord takes care of his children and he spoke to me through her, my neighbor friend. She told me, “Miriam every person in existence right now is one of three things…they are either 1, about to enter a trial, 2, going through a trial, or 3, coming out of a trial. And this is fact.” It was nice to hear because of my overwhelming feeling of detachment from the sense of belonging. She then went along with her lesson as i sat there quietly. She had the most amazing scripture because it was teaching me about my exact trial and how to overcome it and find my hope again. When asked what i was thankful for i told her in my weakened state i had to start small and thank Him that while im going through or while im stuck in this defeat and lonliness i was safe. I mean to say im thankful that i have a bed to curl up in and share my anguish with the blanket and pillows. Some people have no safe place to be sick in. Its a start. My father had depression very bad and i remember this only happening about four times. I accidentally recounted one of these times to my neighbor because i remember thinking why wont he eat with us? And why is he sitting in the same chair in the same corner of the room staring without expression into the dark? My father is a brilliant man and the mentors or men and people he put trust and respect in destroyed him. He found out some were very bad indeed and very good liars. My father is a preacher. I told my neighbor all this i suppose in an attempt to explain to her how i felt. This hurt is the deepest ive ever felt and i feel i have no hope and no one ive ever known thought i was normal. But im blogging because i actually felt i was the pretty one. The popular one and the one who made you laugh and was always there in troubled times. I have given up rooms in my house and the money in my bank for people in need. Im sad because ive been lied to and the people who are closest like my husband and some very disturbed friends, ive found out, have the completely wrong ideas about me. Its frightening and its killing me. My neighbor started to cry and begged me to go to the biblical counseling center. She said that what i said abt my father really confirmed all of this. Its bc i told her that now i know how its possible to be that depressed. I feel like my mind has been rung out like a washcloth. I have spent the rest of the day either outside on the back porch smoking cigarettes and reading dickinson and emerson or in bed. My husband is homebfrom work and ive had to tell him i love him but i just cant talk right now. He had been trying to get me to smile and the annoyance had to have me talk. I also made myself say to him that it would be alright because God would help me. It seemed enough for him and he went in the other room. I do believe God is and will help me but just like planting a seed you must have patience to let it grow. Im going to need a long time to myself for sometime. At least that is simple to understand.